Some of our favourite Ask Jarv questions so far...
Q: Why do the mountain gorillas of Hukananaheles have sharp, meat tearing teeth when they only eat plants?
A: It is in fact a lie that they only plants, secretly they eat small kittens, but only when people are looking the other way. They actually use the plants because of their teeth cleaning attributes- leaving them with minty fresh breath all day long.
Q: How do they get the cables up electricity pylon cables?
A: Out of hours circus stilt walkers are used to carry out the work during the early hours of the morning. It takes a cirus performer approximately (on average) ten minutes to carry the cable between two pylons. The longest distance between two electricity pylons ever was 822.3 miles, and was used to power Jarv's house when we bought a tropical island- two circus performers died installing the cable when they realised their stilts weren't higher than the water levels. Eventually the power cable was installed to allow Jarv to run his new electric pencil sharpner.
Q: When will the world's oil Reserves actually run out?
A: The world's oil reserves have actually already run, and there is a global conspiracy to cover it up. All cars actually run Pepsi cola with petroleum smell infused. Off-shore oil refinerys are actually massive robots that are mostly hidden beneath the sea, ready to be raised to enforce the peace should the truth ever be found out.
Q: How do they get ball bearings to be so round and sooo shiny?
A: Ball bearings are made by small third-world slaves who take a goats testicles and work them until they becomes small and shiny. In an interesting aside, contrary to popular believe, ball bearings are so called not because they are ball like, but because they are made from the "balls" of a goat of kid "bearing" age.
Q: How do they get all the toothpaste colours together in the container?
A: It's actually a special chemical process that occurs when you squeeze. The pressure applied to the container squeezes the particles creating minature blackholes and miniatures supernovas- obviously the two cancel each other out, but not before changing the fundamentals laws of physics resulting in the strange optical effect and the colourisation of the toothpaste. The interesting side effect of all this is that it leaves your breath fresh and your teeth more shiny than a star (and it's also good for removing stains off the carpet).
Q: How do they know more people die crossing the road than flying?
A:This is actually the result of the polls amongst the living dead. When asked, most of the living dead report "grrrzzhzhggggggghhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" (translated as "they remember seeing headlights coming towards them"), whereas very few rememeber looking at their feet whilst plummetting from a great height. Many have argued that these studies are unfair, as most of the living dead resulting from plane crashes tend to more upper class and better off and therefore less likely to be found answering such stupid surveys.
Q: Why did they change the colour of the disabled stickers from Orange to Blue?
A: Because of the National Colour Blind Act of 1987 which stated that it was Colour Blindness is a disability too, and immediately ordered every colour blind person to be sent a disabled sticker. Unforunately they ran out of Orange paper and so they were reissued in blue. Nobody, to be honest, cared.
Q: Why are Japanese people so short?
A: The sumo culture of Japan has meant that many people are born of short, fat, round people. Additionally, as there is so little land mass it has proved necessary to build many skyscrapers, and with lots of fat people on the top floors ceilings in Japan are gradually lowering, forcing people to evolve around the strutures they live in.
Thanks to the staff of BCDS for supplying the questions!
A: It is in fact a lie that they only plants, secretly they eat small kittens, but only when people are looking the other way. They actually use the plants because of their teeth cleaning attributes- leaving them with minty fresh breath all day long.
Q: How do they get the cables up electricity pylon cables?
A: Out of hours circus stilt walkers are used to carry out the work during the early hours of the morning. It takes a cirus performer approximately (on average) ten minutes to carry the cable between two pylons. The longest distance between two electricity pylons ever was 822.3 miles, and was used to power Jarv's house when we bought a tropical island- two circus performers died installing the cable when they realised their stilts weren't higher than the water levels. Eventually the power cable was installed to allow Jarv to run his new electric pencil sharpner.
Q: When will the world's oil Reserves actually run out?
A: The world's oil reserves have actually already run, and there is a global conspiracy to cover it up. All cars actually run Pepsi cola with petroleum smell infused. Off-shore oil refinerys are actually massive robots that are mostly hidden beneath the sea, ready to be raised to enforce the peace should the truth ever be found out.
Q: How do they get ball bearings to be so round and sooo shiny?
A: Ball bearings are made by small third-world slaves who take a goats testicles and work them until they becomes small and shiny. In an interesting aside, contrary to popular believe, ball bearings are so called not because they are ball like, but because they are made from the "balls" of a goat of kid "bearing" age.
Q: How do they get all the toothpaste colours together in the container?
A: It's actually a special chemical process that occurs when you squeeze. The pressure applied to the container squeezes the particles creating minature blackholes and miniatures supernovas- obviously the two cancel each other out, but not before changing the fundamentals laws of physics resulting in the strange optical effect and the colourisation of the toothpaste. The interesting side effect of all this is that it leaves your breath fresh and your teeth more shiny than a star (and it's also good for removing stains off the carpet).
Q: How do they know more people die crossing the road than flying?
A:This is actually the result of the polls amongst the living dead. When asked, most of the living dead report "grrrzzhzhggggggghhhhhhzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz" (translated as "they remember seeing headlights coming towards them"), whereas very few rememeber looking at their feet whilst plummetting from a great height. Many have argued that these studies are unfair, as most of the living dead resulting from plane crashes tend to more upper class and better off and therefore less likely to be found answering such stupid surveys.
Q: Why did they change the colour of the disabled stickers from Orange to Blue?
A: Because of the National Colour Blind Act of 1987 which stated that it was Colour Blindness is a disability too, and immediately ordered every colour blind person to be sent a disabled sticker. Unforunately they ran out of Orange paper and so they were reissued in blue. Nobody, to be honest, cared.
Q: Why are Japanese people so short?
A: The sumo culture of Japan has meant that many people are born of short, fat, round people. Additionally, as there is so little land mass it has proved necessary to build many skyscrapers, and with lots of fat people on the top floors ceilings in Japan are gradually lowering, forcing people to evolve around the strutures they live in.
Thanks to the staff of BCDS for supplying the questions!
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6:20 AM
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